Back in California...
I've had this post started for 3 days. i keep starting it, then erasing, then starting, then erasing. This back and forth is my evidence of what is going on in every facet of my life day to day right now. I am reminded, or maybe really seeing for the first time- what transition looks like for me. It's maybe similar for most, but I'll speak for me.
Transition:A period during childbirth that precedes the expulsive phase of labor, characterized by strong uterine contractions and nearly complete cervical dilation.
No I have not had any babies, i have been lucky enough to be surrounded by them and their expectant mothers all my life- and so I borrow the language quite naturally. The transition description has always gripped me. -the period that precedes the expulsive phase... oh crap.
I have listened to my mother tell stories of women during this phase of labor saying things like, " OK, that's enough. I'm going home now. I'm done...etc. see you tomorrow." I am sitting in what change has happened- that cant be reversed and thinking-" well, maybe not. maybe later. maybe I'll be terrible at..."
I am opening opening, trying to make room while my heart is quivery at the shift and letting go. The letting go of normal.
when I am not busy telling myself I am crazy, I do feel like the universe is trying to make me feel crazy.
-characterized by strong uterine contractions -
Finances are ridiculous- and then my tooth has the NERVE to need a root canal. Spent last night red in the face and eye balls even aching in pain- then went to the dentist to hear they only want $1500 for a root canal. PS, my wisdom tooth looks damn impacted in this x-ray I so bravely show below. Embarrassing.
PHOTO_I
Chrystal and I have a talk about the tests we've been putting ourselves through to see if we, our loved ones, our potential families could handle/survive us as artists forever----we are saying "yes, we can do this. yes, the money will come. We can be brave and make this work" and what happens- she breaks her wrist, making it nearly impossible for her to see a way to make money right now-since that would be either in her restaurant or in the metal shop- not good for the broken bones. And on the same day my tooth gets effed. I swear I am tempted to fall for this jump into 9-5 and medical insurance(really there should be better ways for artists to get medical insurance), and I will choose not to for now. As I am trying to walk around believing that I have found independence, that I can make it on my own blah blah blah.
surprise.
I totally need help. I totally need my family- who by the way- picked up a ton of slack while I was away and then continued to do so today.
tran·si·tion /trænˈzɪʃən, -ˈsɪʃ-/ Show Spelled[tran-zish-uhn, -sish-] noun
1.movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another
I suppose it is my job to resist. To throw a tiny fit when things are going in ways I don't believe yet. my poor system is freaked out. I built my whole peace on the safety of predictable and practical- both of which I'm not very much of.
It is also my job to fight for my heart. To resist the Resistance at some point. God knows I am floored by the truth right now. that I would die if I ignored this consuming thrust into making and listening and meeting others through creating physical things .
as I was feeling all sorts of pitty parties coming on- i recieved an email with this photo. He titled it, warm days. No pity please! get it together sydney. it's real sweet all around me. Family, lover, friends. It doesnt always take much. Heart settling in again.
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What it is to be carried.
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