Ocean ahead, mountains behind.

"Transformation happens through tears much more than through threats and punishment."





I took a walk yesterday morning, when my head wouldn't stop and my eyes refused to seep. The walk I chose is one I forget all too often. It is right behind my parents house. One walks over a small hill and low and behold they are smack between the ocean and the mountains- with a pretty magnificent 360 degree view. The flag in the picture marks a spot for hang gliders to take off. The last few days have been heavy laden with deep deep breaths and loaded sighs. I want to understand where I am when I'm in it, and yet it seems the moment always gets the better of me, and the learning comes mostly in hindsight.
What I've learned in hindsight of the past few years-
Ask those you trust, for support. Always.
I'm going to be forced into being supported in most things at some point. I might as well ask before my knees buckle and give people a chance to see where they can actually stand.
The truth has a way of living- it just gets louder if you try to ignore it
I like to keep myself on a short leash. I like that it makes me uncomfortable, sick to my stomach, unable to sleep and eat well---when I don't speak up. It took some really painful unlearning of inappropriate compartmentalizing(mouth-full) to get back to feeling uncomfortable with holding things in.
I think i might be maybe- a really good partner-when i let myself be.
I'm not always wrong, sometimes I am. When I'm wrong, and I have realized it, I'm good at taking responsibility for it. I'm really fun. Some people really like and love how much I want to learn about them. Some people appreciate that I don't let things go unsaid for long. I am good at listening, and I am worth listening to.
All those last things are hard for me to say still. I know they are true though, and since I am not writing to a crowd of thousands I'm not going to worry about it.

so, with the mountains at my back, doing a beautiful job of sitting firm, I am wiggling my way forward into the ocean. It is cold there, and scary deep and unpredictable. In the ocean off the beaches that I call mine- is also where I have met my sweetest magic. Whales I have asked for- dolphins constantly(really. like, somersaults in circles every time I go to the beach lately) reminding me when I am hopeless-not to be, baby seals(sea lions?) perched on the beach in my walking path- just because I need them(that is my story for it anyway).