My first box of supplies for the trip arrived today. it was full of sparkling brass and copper in different forms. Soon i will receive a few new tools as well as some silver in sheet and wire and shot. Each day I wake up with a list from the night before of things to organize, order, shred, pack...hoping to feel prepared for what is ahead of me- this next right of passage- hoping to feel good enough to hear what it is i am meant to be making and learning before i come home to life unfolding something new again. One thing I am fairly certain of is that I have a lot of tools in my possession. Not sure if they are the right ones of course.
Last time i made this trip i had a confidant and partner with me- i had a certain kind of (what seemed to be)unchanging structure to come home to. Looking back i can see that what i thought was sure is never sure- we choose every day what our lives will look like. And even now, i know that the clear eyes and absence of illusion is sweet and safe in its own way. I am still not comfortable with the reality of how alone we are even when we are together- at least i see that now as i recognize the truth of our individual responsibility to our own lives. I suppose part of what is about to happen is the reminder of what solitary physically feels like- and from there a better appreciation for the kindness and fullness that love is, when shared.
My comfort at the end of the day continues to be that i have faith and belief that
i love a loving God. That I will learn even as I fail. That I will not always have to fail- in order to learn.