last night with (most) everyone in Johnson



I'm spinning a bit with the events of the past month-walking on a Saturday morning with Alec- one of the first to ask who i was away from this place. Reminding at important moments who i am(although maybe he would call it reflecting). Investing in the possibility of and then the very true connection we share. Changing my sleep patterns, so that i became more accustomed to the late-night freeze around 3am than the glisten of an early morning- as is usual. I am reading reading reading Patti Smith's book, "just Kids" and thinking----"My God, I am an artist" Somehow I'm finally believing that. Kathleen helped convince me to move forward only on an artful path for now- she will visit in a couple of weeks- originally arriving in Ojai for a silent retreat and now extending things a bit to hike and soak in some hot springs with me. I am planning and scheming, reading the words of Patti and then drifting, when inspired, into day dreams of returning to Vermont, figuring out who my audience is and how to travel for arts sake. Ed Smith listed schools for me to apply to, telling me i fit in a particularly great group of metal working/jewelery women that are doing something else with it- because we have balls. Which i appreciated- a lot. A good amount of those i loved this last month had been divorced, or struggled through, and were married still, after finding each other as young artists a bit lost and passionate, agreeing to always have each others backs and never promising not to change. One woman told me she married her first husband, saying to him- " I know we are supposed to do this, that i have some life to do with you AND I know we aren't going to stay married"- my words there, but you get the gist. They were married 6 or 7 years- a long time ago- and remain friends. Another friend said to me in the context of his re-marriage after divorce, "once you say you are choosing someone for life, and it doesn't last for life- it is very hard, if not impossible, to say "for life" again. This is not speaking in opposition to deep commitment, or true and faithful love that lasts- but instead recognizing how the break down and break up of a life commitment often moves us (if we're lucky) into a very real commitment to staying present- day to day- room for change- no room for shame- sort of thing. The word promise took on a different energy for me.
I was privileged to hear sweet Bill Frisell play music to a packed house of maybe 50, and a few nights before that to about 30 of us. He accompanied Liz, from Australia, who led us in rounds. Casey- improve theatre troop girl led us in hilarious games which some kind of pretended to hate- but shit man- we are a bunch of artists who can not say no to most experiments.
snuck away from the crowd to bravely throw myself into river for the first time in my underwear(with a few companions)- we came out the other side of the muddy trail between bushes- to find we were not the first undy clad group to think of the river that afternoon. so we froze together- bonding and soaking up sun on the mossy rock before being forced to toss ourselves back in to get to the other side.



sweet heather rummaging through her insides to meet me half way with an exercise in mind vs. heart in a truly amazing collaborative experience/installation- titled: the importance of words no.2. Hopefully there will be a no.3 and 4 etc.-as we have found each other kindred and connected. Me, dancing that fine line of being "all in" without losing my ground or my mind.


Nick is as generous a man as the best i have met: snarky edges- soft insides-man of character...plus, he made me a kick-ass knife AND a small and perfect anvil so that i can work all night without waking the neighbors. Now that is a nocturnal metal worker response to my whining-for sure. Also got me out of the crazy and into the woods for views and fall smells- huge points. If i could bottle the faces, voices, laughter, and inappropriate shares of Mr.Harlan Mack, I most certainly would-keeping me up on my toes and laughing. Sure to have a sip of good whiskey waiting for me-over a chat while he works on rollin a cigarette and keeps a wandering eye on his lovely wondering dog ada(aida?)...then will, William, encyclopedia of everything and surprise late night poet on occasions when(I'm guessing)particularly touched and cozy with his surrounding company. Erin, my favorite weaver, very quietly nudged me open with her young and absurdly wise self- winning the hearts of many-even as she is sure the old ladies don't like her for her body covered in tattoos-but come on- she's got "TREASURE" written across her mid-section. How bad can a girl be?! Not bad at all. Just bad-ass-weaving-maniac. Not unusual to find Jesse at her side. The two of them wide-eyed, i swear telling secrets, and bringing a sweet amount of joy to each others situations. Jesse making amazing site-specific installation- or maybe you'll find him making gross(and awesome)bra tops out of people's hair- to be modeled with a watermelon bracelet that flings juice at you as she saunters by-leaving you unsure if you've just been sprayed by the hairy bra. yuck and yum at once. kinda. Darling Arista, so surprised by her own indulgence of our group of residents. As a staff member, usually keeping herself more protected from the monthly goodbyes. She sank into us and i trust felt received. we shared some good, sloppy, tearful evenings together. I am grateful i sometimes push past the fear of loss in order to invest and connect even for a short time. It is hard today, but my love and care for these dear people(there are more to be spoken of tomorrow...)so outweighs the grief, i cant help but sit in the shock of change. Repeating, thank you thank you thank you- as i finally own my place, privilege and choice to be an artist- an observer- a sponge and someone who challenges.